I remember my why

I spent a lot of time trying to work out what had happened.  How had it got to this?  Why couldn’t I moderate?  I was so caught up in my own questioning that I forgot why I was there in the first place.  I wanted to know the reasoning behind it, to identify where to allocate the blame.  I was so focused on not being responsible that I forgot what I had done.  Blackout drinking had always given me the excuse that I wasn’t responsible for my behaviour when I couldn’t remember it.  Except that this time was different, this time I had done something so incomprehensible, I didn’t ever want to forget it.  Yet I did.  My head had taken it out of view and parked it somewhere else.  This was not on.  Really not on.  I knew that if I was going to stay sober then I needed to remember my why.  I needed to carry it with me, especially at the beginning.  I call it my sliding door moment.  The one that I saw.  We have so many decision points in our lives, many that we don’t know about.   Points in time where we could have gone either way.  I didn’t want this to ever be one of those.  I want to be firmly on the recovery path, unable to wander back to one where I think I can drink again.  My why keeps this close.  I cherish it.  Am grateful for it.  It was a powerful and painful time.  

I want it to be my only one.