I do whatever it takes, each and every day

I spent three weeks going to meetings and debating how I wasn’t ready.  That it wasn’t my time, that I wasn’t an alcoholic.  An alcoholic was such a bad, disgusting thing.  And if I really was that bad, then I could come back when I got to that point, easy.  Except I watched someone who’d had long term sobriety trying to come back after a relapse.  It was anything but easy, in fact he made it look impossible.  I realised that it was here, now, that the term was irrelevant, you could either drink or you couldn’t.  Two years in, I got busy, life became lifey and I didn’t make it to meetings.  I started to see how I was reacting and realised that I wasn’t that far from a drink.  The debate came back, in force.  It was hard work but I made it back in and I went all in this time.  Whatever it was going to take then I was going to do it.  I did not want to get that close again.   I realised that admitting defeat wasn’t enough.  Defeat is giving up, it’s temporary.  I needed to surrender, to accepting a new way.

Now I start every day with intention, a deliberate act.  A combination of morning pages, meditation and prayer as I welcome in another day.  I work a programme of sobriety in all my affairs, every single thing. I attend AA and TLC meetings.  I have worked with therapists, online courses, books.  I see what’s next for me and I am up for it, always.  Each day ends with a gratitude list, shared with others, reminding me of how sobriety supported my day.

I surrendered to a programme of sobriety.